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side-kick-still-life-2

sadness is her grounding masturbation her release fantasizing bizarre scenarios escaping in literature movies music clothes she wonders if men feel cheated by her small breasts her mouth and hips not wide enough even though she has not slept with a man for years her aging depresses her stiffness of her muscles dryness of her skin thinning of her hair lapses of thought memory yet she manages to appear quite astute and stylish

2

what if you realize there is no god no one listening to your prayers no one watching over you god is preposterous myth like santa claus there is no reason to conduct yourself morally responsibly monkey screeches laughter claps wildly swings tree to tree

3

if wars were won by spiritual psychological intellectual development we’d be a different planet yet wars are won by technological advances and brute force we are an over-populating world many parents unfit unqualified inexperienced to raise children of the future this madness is heading to frightful reckoning massey mining british petroleum monsanto wall street g.e. (it’s not a light bulb more mutual fund of entertainment banks and loans appliances washington lobbyists more) these bastards rape pillage mother earth our home with unconscionable deceit greed cruelty

4

magic is tricky sometimes sincere most times contrived face of moon is woman she is sad maybe crying do you remember us making love i don’t like seeing men give in to bribes i turn away lose interest twists my stomach when will we learn i don’t know anything about planet venus yet wish she will help us with her love i’ve written too many words not sure if i’m repeating ideas do not want to bore burden you with tremendous sorrow tried seriously to kill myself twice i’m old school still pray it doesn’t matter that no one is listening i need prayer need god dear god please help me us find happiness love success weary of isolation every day i fight between self will and destiny fate patterns signals i am so conflicted where is peace?

5

this dispersion is no good way to start the morning sun is up sky is blue birds are singing flying around teasing each other no matter where the world is heading i’m going to seek find fun gratitude beauty i've just created something that never existed before each breath a birth each breath a death tiny thoughts lives micro existence the cliffs of dover are made entirely from skeletons of ancient sea creatures i stepped over rocks encrusted with shells vacant inhabited we come and go oh the fossils oh the dreams stepped on coming out of their shells spider dreamer weaving web of life whose life? mine? who am i? i am you you are here with me pure unrequited love nothing matters but our spontaneous dance nothing matters but our crying over red wine passionate search for truth oh goddess of compassion let love come to us all truest holy love uniting opposites filling all the holes not a single inch of emptiness genius of love the poets creator of all genius exquisite satisfaction in emptiness forever unfolding paradox flower of paradox infinite petals forever blooming eternal spring breeze petals of paradox falling from my hair falling all over streets houses limestone cliffs granite giants fertile valley farmland my hands form a cup i offer up to you

side-kick-still-life

1

fun flipped me like a flying ninja i wasn’t expecting her no matter how bad things get there’s always sailing free bird holy crap big wave her kiss dirty little drunken boat wine dark sea she’s hungry no money tip-toe slow breathe speed up pretend love imaginary girlfriend astonishing

2

what if god spoke to you commanding forget all you believe turn away from me invent new god for i have failed would you disobey god? monkey chants just little bit more just little bit longer just little bit more just little bit longer god warns what you hope and pray for will destroy you monkey squeals leaps from tree to tree little bit longer little bit more

3

i wanted to look good for him hoping he would desire me i chose to wear long beige corduroy cowboy skirt with pearl snap buttons and smiley slit pockets i found at thrift store and thin sleeveless white t-shirt no bra black cardigan cashmere sweater leather sandals ponytail i neglected shaving legs and armpits and wondered if he would mind or assume my vagina smelled dirty?

4

pretend girlfriend imagines love astonishing god amusing monkey she whispers tree to tree little bit longer little bit more no matter how bad things get there’s always holy crap to laugh about and smell of the sea dirty oil dark sea never give up your hopes and dreams for there is where the fun flips you like a flying ninja when you least expect

rodeo drive tucson

matt’s hats tom’s tools & tobacco lou’s liquors fred’s beds dale's doors frank’s planks bill’s drills jane’s drains & panes chuck’s check cashing cheryl’s barrels hank’s tanks tina’s trucks & tractors walt’s asphalt sean’s pawn rick’s rifles mom’s guns terry’s tires charlie’s harleys rhonda’s hondas jim’s rims art’s parts gus’s gas mike’s bikes frank’s feed gwen’s pens ann’s cans nancy’s nursery joes‘s clothes jess’s dresses bert’s skirts steve’s sleeves paul’s shawls michelle’s shells & bells al’s pails & snails sam’s hams & jams patty’s pancakes phil’s chili don’s donuts betty’s spaghetti bob’s burgers alycia’s quiches jean’s beans jerry’s berries anna’s bananas andy’s candies cathy’s taffies tony’s ponies roy’s toys ron’s batons kim’s whims marty’s parties jill’s pills rick’s tricks alice’s palace debbie’s disposal dave’s graves

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - HOME (demo)

no country for old men

Odysseus needs a job he calls pima community college art department chairperson sends her his resume she does not respond after a week he catches her on phone she says he lacks proper credentials laughs to himself his whole life never worked lucrative or reputable position gets job working at thrift store wacky group of coworkers customers store frequently smells like public latrine job expires after 7 weeks he gets better paying job working at record exchange Odysseus always loved music everyday he learns new artist or band his coworkers are at least half his age they pester him about being slow on keyboard he never learned to type neither he nor his generation could have foreseen future would revolve around keyboard he plods on register keys people smile politely kids he works with fly fast making many keyboard mistakes November 29 2001 george harrison dies of cancer he is 58 years old Odysseus recognizes he is from past world different era of contrasting standards ‘80’s behavior is totally unbefitting let alone ‘60’s beliefs it is 2002 and one badly chosen word is sure to send someone flying off the handle he watches his language carefully co-workers mostly born in 1980’s grew up in 1990’s they live indifferent to hopelessness he struggles to bear none of them believe in higher power music is their religion he wonders what their visions concerns for humanity are? they seem addicted to consumption as if it is end in itself he questions what is hidden at root of their absorption? loneliness? despair? apathy? absence of vision? where is their rage against social conversion current administration? he warns them about homeland security act privacy infringement increased government secrecy power they shrug their shoulders why aren’t they looking for answers? why don’t they dissent? do they care where world is going? he realizes they will have to learn for themselves few coworkers read literature or know painters philosophy their passions are video games marijuana “star wars” most of them are extremely bright more informed than he often Odysseus needs to ask questions they know answers to right off the bat he is like winsome uncle who puts up with their unremitting teasing “hey you old hippie punk rocker get you fiber in today? stools looking a little loose! peace out old man” in peculiar way he finds enough belonging he so desperately needs they tell him stories about their friends sex addictions eating disorders futile deaths he is bowled over by how young they are to know such stuff job includes health insurance which is something he has not had since Dad was alive having some cash flowing in he buys laptop computer with high-speed connection cell phone trades in toyota for truck opens crate of writings he abandoned in ‘80’s begins to rewrite story sits blurry eyed in front of computer screen his motivation has always been to tell truth as he knows it he wonders what ramifications his labor will bring positive or negative results? he guesses his story will sound like children’s fable in stark brutality of distant future october 2002 3 week sniper spree terrorizes maryland virginia district of columbia 10 people killed 3 critically wounded police believe white van responsible october 24 man and 17-year-old boy arrested in blue chevy caprice juvenile is shooter assailants linked to string of random murders including unsolved shooting of man at golf course in tucson Odysseus mentions incident at work speaks of prevailing terror madness in america co-workers kid tell him he is crazy “did you see a white van parked outside the store Odys?” they seem desensitized to increasing national atmosphere of anger panic or perhaps they are overwhelmed by weight trauma of modern life lie after lie prevailing havoc slaughter make for dull numbness in world they know suicide is compelling option december 22nd 2002 joe strummer dies from heart failure at age 50 Odysseus’s eyes wet he adored the clash everything they stood for loved joe strummer and mescaleros he plays “global a go-go” over and over listens sings along with first track “johnny appleseed” march 2003 president bush launches attack against iraq united states seems drunk with “shock and awe” zealous blind patriotism many people politicians countries around globe question unproven line of reasoning saddam hussein possesses “weapons of mass destruction” Odysseus gripes “not another damn vietnam” record company allows employees to check out take home used product Odysseus stopped watching movies in 1980’s he has lots of catching up to do particularly likes “natural born killers” “american history x” “american psycho” “fight club” “way of the gun” “snatch” “king of new york” “basquiat” “frida” “pollock” “before night falls” “quills” “requiem for a dream” “vanilla sky” “boys don’t cry” “being john malkovich” “adaptation” “kids” “lost in translation” “25th hour” “28 days later” “monster” “city of god” “gangs of new york” “kill bill” list goes on perfect circle becomes his favorite band followed by tool lacuna coil my morning jacket brian jonestown massacre flaming lips dredg drive-by truckers dropkick murphys flogging mollies nofx stereophonics eels weakerthans centro-matic califone godspeed you black emperor magnetic fields fiery furnaces dresden dolls smog granddaddy calexico howie gelb sufjan stevens warren haynes dax riggs john vanderslice alejandro escovedo sean paul elephant man bjork p. j. harvey ani difranco aimee mann cat power sophie b. hawkins kathleen edwards mia doi todd kimya dawson regina spektor carina round neko case fiona apple nina nastasia beth gibbons mirah rasputina dr. dre talib kweli immortal technique murs slug atmosphere trick daddy eazy-e tricky list goes on october 21 2003 elliott smith commits suicide stabbing 2 wounds into his chest Odysseus thinks about music when jimi hendrix stood up at woodstock deconstructing national anthem on guitar it took courage when punk emerged with ugly screechy sounds attempting to divorce itself from melodious harmonies of 1970s complacent crosby stills nash the dead kennedys and sex pistol did not pander to conventional commercial success what they performed were desperate gutsy songs trying to reclaim music rock’n’roll is no longer about inventing instead it imitates its glorious past hip-hop and rap come nearest to risking rebellion but are caught in gangsterism infantile self-adulation no longer does music offer vision of what is or could be instead it conjures looping escapism from hopelessness of modern life he continues working at record shop for several years store contains every genre of music cinema he grows weary of retail sales weary of higher-ups constantly changing rules dictating what to do head manager is manipulative drama queen thrives on crisis once in private admits stealing from company Odysseus nods not knowing what to say head manager works Odysseus hard keeps him down atmosphere of conspiracy betrayal hang at start of each day assistant manager routinely taunts berates bullies teases regularly calls Odysseus “dumb-fuck” or “fuck-up” other times laughs after goading Odysseus to flinch eventually bully backs off and they become friends retail pushes Odysseus to brink of misanthropy corporation requires all employees to exercise overt courteousness while serving a public of disrespectful gang bangers demanding “show me black market brotha lynch mac dre why ya godda keep dat shit behind da counter? dat’s fucked up hey old man i ain’t got all day” it always amazes him when shoplifter is caught with product stuffed down his pants thief blatantly states “i didn’t do it i don’t know how that got there” thanksgiving through christmas to new years is most swarming stressful he feels like automaton greeting customer scanning product looking at screen to see if price agrees with product typing money amount counting money into drawer counting money out handing change to customer handing customer product receipt next customer cockroach capitalism packs of masses line up in endless stream of needs stupid remarks job also involves trade appraising condition value resale probability of cds dvds video games tapes vhs vinyl news of iraq war gets dismal mounting civilian casualties suicide bombers hostages beheadings beginning of 2004 reports of torture sexual psychological abuse rape sodomy murder of prisoners at abu ghraib prison guantanamo bay white house cover-ups denials growing insurgency increasing u.s. body count other costs he thinks about men and women who are so much braver than him then comes re-election and lavish republican parties parades cheney rumsfeld tom delay and whole regime smirk portentously on tv none of it makes sense anymore “we the people of the united states” what does it mean? the dreams and aspirations of his generation have long since faded away he is citizen of forgotten past current world is barbaric place he barely recognizes there are real pirates with machetes rocket launchers on the seas big drug corporations hiding harmful findings kidnapped children abandoned children crooked politicians corruption at every level of society horrifying stories daily pedophile priests slave markets extreme heinous cruelties abruptly everyone is acknowledging society is worsening life is not the same he does not understand people and certainly does not understand america or the world he remembers when all could be so good modern existence has turned everything into madness what happened to lessons of history? it is as if Odysseus fell asleep and when he woke everything is changed he is mistaken about what he thinks he knows feels pity for people america pity disgust sorrow he misses his dog

love respect

love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love love respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love respect love love respect love respect love respect

i don't understand

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quid pro quo

all i've ever learned from love is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you – l. cohen

dancer friend working titty bar explained i wait for some guy to fixate on me then i take advantage of his fascination men are funny once you hook them they can’t see straight can’t see my flaws insecurities all they see is projection of their own longings every man wants a slut who knows how to mother him or put another way all men want their mom yet she better know how to get kinky listening to my dancer friend thought to myself why do we fall into these roles one fixates the other takes advantage regardless of gender can there be mutual attraction no one taking advantage? imagine world without hierarchies against nature in its place respect appreciation collaboration no one feeding on weaker everyone sharing brothers and sisters living in peace love harmony everything is so fucked up the weather the war economy oil spill 38 dead coal miners overpopulation industrial farming food poisoning recall disparity of wealth privilege military corporate unconscionabllity it’s difficult to believe things will get better

2

i started to reply to dancer friend’s remarks concerning how men relate with women but my voice betrayed words coming out sounding effeminate gay to offset my imbalance i spoke the word motherfucker hoping to restore grounded street cred i ended finally commenting i don’t know blame myself beat myself up try to ignore deny this pain that eats me up inside realize it’s pain feeding on me i need to play to win more predatory less trusting why am i such a slow learner? what if some phenomenon brought the world together weak strong rich poor u.s.a. russia china india pakistan israel palestine some experience event brought everyone together? with all the hurt blood that’s already been shed don’t we deserve some happiness? someone maybe lou reed said never confuse your own fate with that of the world guess i wasn’t listening hard enough like i mentioned i blame myself for not being smart enough

3

lost my job at vintage clothing store woman owner often snapped at me i apologized trying to please she said i’ve never hired a man before i think it’s a big mistake finally for no reason she fired me growling bring your key tomorrow i don’t want you back in this store i wanted to ask her why but realized it was futile she’d already made up her mind sometimes i wonder who’s to blame is it in my power to change become or is it written in the stars?

tyrant

“every man wants to be a tyrant when he fornicates"— marquis de sade (philosophy in the boudoir)
in murky region of my mind flickers shanty town of wickedness and all who burn betray me are tortured murdered buried on outskirts of this moot province not entirely devoted to revenge shadows dart lascivious exchanges shadow economy back alley shenanigans soundproof rooms filled with hunger for beautiful women sole source of my arousal female lust japanese silk braided ropes bowls hoses drop-clothes vibrating toys anticipating mischievous acts town’s folk love esteem me applaud my fiercest turpitude fathers offer their daughters mothers perfume girls with wild flowers in their hair whispering accommodating instructions ultimately i decline their generous offerings opting instead for steadfast soul confidante accomplice closer in age she knows how to mommy my genitals get me off and i the same for her churning simmering caldron of desires dazzling aromas through center of town runs sacred blue river constantly replenishing innocence upon dust filth criminality also many enchanting bridges connecting dark side to bright side in elegant rundown art museum hang several of my paintings next to jackson pollock ad reinhardt anselm kiefer gerhard richter albert pinkham ryder francisco goya susan rothenberg and public library shelves brim with volumes of my writings next to james joyce william faulkner sophocles sylvia plath rainer maria rilke milan kundera franz kafka gabriel garcia marquez thomas bernhard patrick suskind pablo neruda oriana fallaci annie proulx lydia davis during mornings everyone busies themselves making things practicing yoga swimming cooking friends gather for lunch munch comically gossip about previous night’s dramas in afternoon go back to their interests at sunset all citizenry come together look to west watch fiery orange globe sink beyond purple mountains wonder reflect sniff their fingers as night falls on little village each goes about deciding what to wear then meet for cocktails in local taverns and commotion begins

summer of love

1967 san francisco is transformed into city of missing children haight ashbury brims with scraggly orphans thousands sit on street curbs live in cars hang out on floors of shops roam streets parks sleep on sidewalks unthinkable social cultural phenomenon Odysseus embraces madness walking through different neighborhoods going without food sleep in golden gate park floral smells so strong he can taste flowers kids openly pass joints acid doses trip dance make music laugh Odysseus is risk-taker but he is not street smart along with flocks of totally wasted kids street hustlers abound Odysseus sets down backpack beside eucalyptus tree rests when he wakes backpack is gone he is penniless disconnected hitchhikes across bay to berkeley less congested more manageable meets some runaways like him but not like him they squatter in abandoned house off telegraph avenue maybe 20 hippies crashing in house Odysseus adopts enormous closet hidden in back bedroom as his space has small window feels like sanctuary sometimes he comes home finds 5 or 6 kids sleeping in closet in a way people in house become his family tribe some of people are suspicious especially older secretive man with 2 tongue-tied underage girls whom he claims are his daughters Odysseus suspects veiled sexual exploitation girls are lovely yet behave frightened repressed life on street does not come easy telegraph avenue overflows with lost souls searching to hook-up fragrance of frankincense drifts amidst music drug deals rip-offs bullying brawls hierarchy from hell’s angels down Odysseus stays high dances sometimes panhandles “i live in commune with 2 pregnant girls” whatever cash he collects scores acid weed subsists on diet of gum candy sunflower pumpkin seeds sometimes ketchup with french fries his acne crescendos he learns if he drops acid daily by third or fourth day he cannot get off no matter how much he doses tries peyote cactus buttons after waiting nearly hour to get off he suffers stomachache dizziness projectile vomits finally flies into freaky hallucinations he swallows mescaline capsules feels sick to his stomach forgets about his nausea trips for 9 hours tries psilocybin mushrooms laughing straight through night experiments with stp trips for 3 days Bobby Stern and Martha Quigley come out from chicago to visit they are curious about the scene need to hook up Odysseus introduces them to his friends shows them telegraph avenue he turns and they have vanished he does not know where they have gone everybody is losing everybody new kids show up everyday oakland thug named red rat kidnaps Martha is heiress from distinguished chicago family their disappearance makes chicago papers after week Bobby and Martha manage to escape they never reveal to Odysseus what red rat did to them radio plays doors’ “light my fire” and jimi hendrix’s "purple haze" Odysseus has crush on beautiful blonde Patty she ran off for summer from her parent’s home in sunset section of san francisco Odysseus and Patty hang out go see country joe and fish in provo park on sundays hitchhike into city watch Jefferson Airplane play for free in golden gate park hitchhike to marin see Grateful Dead jam at muir beach dude hands out free acid Odysseus is total acidhead acid reveals everything in new intensified light sex on acid is beyond sex wilder than sex more primal sex so intense it transcends limits of eroticism acid helps Odysseus realize his true self his pain sadness tears lies crazy-ass side first tingling tremors in stomach chest hands then initial flashes of sparkle traces of color echoes of giggling laughter lucid thoughts sometimes he swallows such large doses all he can do is stare out at white light what is it about massive hits of acid? measure of how fierce his spirit? self-punishment? escapism? he wonders why he so desperately needs to escape from what whom? himself? Mom’s numerous efforts to convince him he is mentally disturbed? Dad’s fists? escape from real world to where? Odysseus hangs with Pluto skinny 16 year old meth-addict golden wavy hair rotting teeth finesse with girls Pluto claims crystal meth enhances sex more than acid needles frighten Odysseus he lets one of Pluto’s girls hit him up with methamphetamine feels sudden overwhelming rush through head body forgets about needle before it ever leaves his arm having been initiated Odysseus begins scoring with Pluto’s girls Pluto knows tons of girls Odysseus loves feeling numb free being out of control not giving a shit getting sucked fucked by pretty girl if he could have his way he would go from orgasm to orgasm with pretty girl all day every day deep in drug induced state because drugs lower inhibitions allow them to explore some sick disgusting stuff that is paradise for Odysseus he is rapidly slipping into street life drug addiction wakes up with ants crawling in his hair witnesses numerous fights freak-outs 2 different kids o.d. while he is present lots of creepy stuff by early august realizes he might wind up dead soon or rotting like Pluto Odysseus has spirit but troubled by what he sees troubled enough to return home go back to school he feels lost desperate alone not thinking plots drug deal swindle double-crosses some people guilt and shame for conning people haunts him for years he gives Pluto half the money tells him to share with Patty with his cut buys ticket back to chicago Penelope is first to greet him she gives him big hug comments “you need a shower and shave real bad!” his hair is wild scraggly beard Odysseus holds on to her he has missed his little sister glad to be near her feels panicky his parents will punish him Mom and Dad are relieved but agitated their worry and shame at his flight have turned to anger resentment they rationalize he selfishly ran off merrymaking for 3 months they sternly make plans for his next semester while Odysseus was away in california Penelope has sexual intercourse for first time in back seat of Jed Zurbeck's black pontiac Penelope in secret goes to see doctor for pregnancy test doctor recognizes Penelope’s last name calls house Odysseus answers phone doctor asks to speak with Mr. or Mrs. Schwartzpilgrim Mom picks up phone doctor informs her Penelope is pregnant all hell breaks loose doctor makes house call with Mom and Dad present offers 2 options for Penelope “you can be picked up by limousine on state street and blindfolded you will be taken to an undisclosed location where abortion procedure is performed then re-blindfolded and returned by limousine to state street or you can report incident as rape and get signatures of three physicians then have abortion in a hospital” Mom and Dad choose to report it as a rape fabricate story about Penelope walking home from school and being grabbed pulled into alley by black man who rapes her Penelope is made to tell lie three times deeply disturbs her after abortion is done in hospital Dad makes Penelope swear not to admit abortion to anyone insists she tell Jed Zurbeck she made up stupid lie and she was never really pregnant Penelope obeys and tells no one