wasteland cover (gratis tommy s. e.)

you may be entitled to a cash settlement you know when you walk passed another person you say hi then they say hi as you go by you realize you wish you could know more about that person perhaps wish you had said more (could’ve should’ve would’ve if only)

April is the cruelest month breeding out of lifeless land mixing memory desire stirring dull roots with spring rain

i’ve always had a problem taking my existence the world too seriously i’m way too sensitive way too longing dreaming praying hoping wishing

winter kept us warm covering earth in forgetful snow feeding little life with dried seed summer surprised us coming over rain showers we stopped in walkway went on in sunlight into the garden drank coffee talked for hours

a strong metal material which can morph shape based on heat cold transference

a pill that makes you smart brilliant genius a pill that makes you eye-catching handsome gorgeous a pill that makes you strong slim sinewy a pill that makes you young a pill that makes you rich successful powerful a pill that makes you loved respected imitated a pill that makes you godlike a pill that makes you disappear

a new form of sex more wild mysterious dirty sensual intensive explosive gratifying than current sex

a painting that changes colors forms images yet remains intriguing unsolved pushing the viewer to make up imagine answers outcomes possibilities

a song that joyfully melts the heart of every person in the world causing each to blissfully dance deeply bow in reverence build a sustainable bridge of appreciation

and still she cried and still the world pursues jug jug to dirty ears and other withered stumps of time we’re told upon the walls staring forms leaned out leaning hushing the room enclosed

a neighborhood where white males between ages 21 to 40 are given carte blanche all other men discarded based on age ethnicity income a street where females are rendered undesirable after age 45 a town where no one reads books discusses psychology sociology philosophy ideas dreams war a wall with no windows door that never opens ceiling that inches downward

my nerves are bad tonight yes bad stay with me talk with me why do you never speak? speak what are you thinking about what thinking what i never know what you are thinking think

i think we are in rats' alley where dead men lost their bones

the smell sight sound taste feel acknowledgment of dying

what is that noise wind under door what is that noise now what is the wind doing nothing again nothing do you know nothing do you see nothing do you remember nothing i remember pearls that are your eyes are you alive or not is there nothing in your head

shattered casualties along the road people who once believed they would be successful winners making difference in this world another drink another smoke another night week month year gone another life envisioned planned strived for lost job lost house lost another baby born

twit twit twit jug jug jug jug jug jug so rudely forced river sweats oil barges drift with turning tide red sails wide to leeward swing on heavy spar barges wash drifting logs down reach past isle of dogs weialala leia wallala leialala

Doc Holliday's retort

none of you understand what i’m saying is i’m not like any of you never married never parented children never owned real estate don’t believe in government the law hate rich people not afraid to lose everything risk life for the chance at a better life yes i graduated from Philadelphia dental school practiced medicine several years dashing handsome cordial Georgia physician yet knowing i was dying then of tuberculosis i wanted to feel alive know danger taste possibilities fuck you greedy ranch and railroad barons all you cotton gin grist mill moguls loud mouthed Yankee carpetbaggers bounty hunters self-righteous snake oil preachers with your fearful farmstead flocks what the hell do you think Big Nose Kate and me were doing in Tucson why i risked my life at Tombstone’s OK Corral i’ll tell you why because we were desperate beyond your comprehension long-drawn-out careworn hours twisted in desperation insufferably plodding nights so desperate Kate relieved me daily yet in back of each our minds we understood we were both slaves to ancient unfair corrupt economic system that provided enough whiskey to cope desperate for money allegiance shelter frantic enough to face loaded guns aimed firing at me it was hell on earth glaring sun beating down desert dust blowing burning eyes bullets cutting everywhere 1880’s revolvers lacking accuracy even with expert gunsmith modifications young men riddled with bleeding gunshot wounds in 6 years i was dead age 36 hey Kate was no cakewalk she was a bitch who knew how to play me flirting charming admiring exaggerating her strange Hungarian lust encouraging provoking prostituting on her knees back tummy fingers mouth managing somehow to become acquainted with Arizona Governor George Hunt then surviving to age 90 you modern day sleepers who read this rambling cower at airport security passively submit to insidious militarizing culture invasively inspecting camera scanning for cuticle scissors nail file weapons all ludicrous absurdist theatre while real bad guys can easily tape 3 McDonald’s plastic knives together or ball point pen pierce pilots passengers throat arteries skyjack planes hijack bus trains you are no safer than you ever were before Homeland Security Czars foreign wars where we don’t belong riding has grown so weary courage ruthless longing vexing generating entire industry of airport security corporate mall tariff duty free shops inflated restaurant menu prices liter bottle of water $4.99 welcome to America kill me now or kill me later who cares what i look like what i wear if i’m dry shaven smell like goat if i cough up chunks of lung spit tuberculosis germs on polished floors just so long as i pay the toll fee and don’t go shooting off my mouth

Big Nose Kate

1866 Big Nose Kate ran away from foster home age 16 stowed away on Mississippi riverboat bound for St. Louis then headed west to Dodge City she rolled the dice with many men played her cards close to her chest poker faced until she met Doc Holliday for him she laid open her hand he a year younger Big Nose Kate was Hungarian long fingers toes lust for life food sex a fiery inquisitive engaging soul who enthralled Doc Holliday with intellectually equal wit affection loyalty hairs that grew from tiny mole on her arm she didn’t believe in politics or the law solely in Doc Holliday his quick temper failing health lightning quick draw of his gun did not worry her she offered up the world to him Big Nose Kate was a beauty large green gray eyes small breasts furry brown mound perversely devoted to Doc Holliday she followed through thick and thin his ash blond hair unassuming Georgia cadence classical education convulsive cough her lips could not resist even when he had nothing left she wanted no other man Big Nose Kate drank Irish whiskey neat ate steak and potatoes stood 5’8” lean as a rail stubbornly stuck by Doc’s side even when he got hot-headed muttering harsh drunken curses



BIG NOSE KATE you seem all twisted up inside want me to give you some relief right now (her hand reaches between his thighs)

DOC HOLLIDAY i got too much on my mind woman blackjack in Prescott didn’t exactly pan out that was bad enough what the hell are we doing here in Tucson San Augustin Feasto and Fair my ass (coughs) i ran into Morgan Earp in the hotel lobby

BIG NOSE KATE Morgan Earp huh what does he want trouble is my guess dang you promised we were heading north to Colorado

DOC HOLLIDAY promises (coughs) promises there’s problems ahead i got business with Wyatt and his brothers in Tombstone need to ride down tomorrow (taps walking stick to floor) i fear for your safety Kate it’s best you remain behind

BIG NOSE KATE i’m staying right here with you ain’t leaving your side wherever you go

DOC HOLLIDAY ok fine (coughs) we’ll get a room you lock the door and stay clear of the windows until this mess is done



lying in a bed looking out open window late October breeze full moon in starry night sky Prescott 1940 Big Nose Kate feels heaviness in her heart stirring in her stomach remembers a day 59 years ago in a room at Fly’s Boarding House a man sitting at corner edge of bed with his hands covering wet eyes in a choked raspy voice whispering that was awful just awful she gently placed her hands on his shoulders this man she so completely loved then reassuring spoke it’ll be alright we still got each other

sound of waves crashing against shore

sound of waves crashing against shore
she says it’s the tone in your voice
sound of waves crashing against shore
he asks what tone are you referring to what are you hearing
sound of waves crashing against shore
she says i’m an artist too you don’t have to tell me
sound of waves crashing against shore
he explains i was simply affirming my vocation in order to elucidate why i perceive another way
sound of waves crashing against shore
she says you don’t need to pose or differentiate for me you are so fucking self-absorbed
sound of waves crashing against shore
he answers self-conscious possibly not self-absorbed i think it is intelligent to question everything to suspect all we see think we know maybe a greater mystery than any of us realize exists beyond all our beliefs
sound of waves crashing against shore
she says i think it’s time for us to stop talking
sound of waves crashing against shore
he says why can’t you make it easy why must everything be a fight
sound of waves crashing against shore

her vagina becomes a deep dark narrowing tunnel he is trapped in thinning air smells like ocean
sound of waves crashing against shore
her voice detached distant disaffected says fine
sound of waves crashing against shore
he questions fine? find? line? sign? can you hear me? anyone hear me?
sound of waves crashing against shore
she purposely ignores his panting gasping shrieking
sound of waves crashing against shore
later she tells the surgeon who performs the extraction then the police detectives who conduct the investigation she had no idea he was lost in there
sound of waves crashing against shore
unanimous jury finds her guilty she screams out at courtroom he was a self-absorbed dreamer this is all wrong
sound of waves crashing against shore
the judge declares mistrial dismisses case based on prosecution’s inability to refute so-called artist’s willingness to enter of his own volition
sound of waves crashing against shore
late at night she feels his voice whisper circulating through her body haunting her
sound of waves crashing against shore

nude descending a staircase

if i remember accurately he puts hand between her thighs she gets wet her body tells him she wants him she puts hand between his thighs she feels hardness his body tells her he wants her a little blue pill and KY lotion don’t convey anything except maybe we’re too old for this sexuality was once the most defining intention in life but not anymore when youth perspire it smells sexy when elderly sweat it’s malodorous yet in another breath old people are more appreciative know the hurt humiliation of neglect invisibility they secretly harbor passions beyond contemporary standards old age is ground zero for truly authentic perversity desires unfulfilled in youth



i don’t remember when the disenchantment began was it part of some greater change Dad’s illness death leaving Chicago my dog’s passing 9/11 or simply old age at some point my life stopped feeling like adventure all the crazy dreams aims aspirations cravings longings insatiable hungers wild experiments beautiful women everything slowly fading away leaving only ghostly empty disenchantment a profound sad knowing the world is never going to heal get better the whole brutally honest realization greed corruption poisonous toxins overpopulation think tanks candidate planets anger hatred atrocities will triumph i know i must not listen to this voice inside me these feelings of disenchantment if i can learn to heal myself and try my hardest to love forgive others than i will succeed in this harsh existence no matter what the world does



in my garden grows an abundant jalapeño patch i share it with my postman Fernando he picks ripe peppers for his wife Barbara she makes salsa with the jalapeños then Fernando shares Barbara’s salsa with me anyway Fernando served 6 years in the Marines and is of Mexican descent he recently told me a story about a holiday he shared with 2 fellow Marines at a topless beach in southern Spain Fernando described a seashore bustling with many women exposing their breasts all of a sudden Fernando spotted this amazingly gorgeous long legged female wearing nothing but flimsy string thong she walked into a cantina the 3 Marines followed Fernando's buddy set up tripod behind amazingly gorgeous long legged woman and started shooting Fernando explained she turned enraged yelling at the Marines i commented to Fernando his Marine buddy ought to have first asked consent he replied we knew we should have but who gives a fuck we’re Americans everybody knows Americans are assholes when people from other countries find out you’re American they deliberately treat you like an asshole



October is pivotal April May June July August September mornings shine bright early dusk comes late then suddenly October bursts on scene changes everything mornings grow darker days end sooner October is the culprit this month 5 Fridays 5 Saturdays 5 Sundays old dog painfully arthritic legs climb stairs sound of waves crashing against shoreline distant stars in night sky cooler breezes blow whiff of death in air harvest your wheat oats barley cook your squash last of corn tomatoes eat your pumpkin pie swig your cider you know what’s next now familiar footsteps tread on path come to take you home back to place before the beginning you’ve got to pick up every stitch must be the season of the witch



Mom spoke about memory a fogginess she says comes over her she began by admitting she realizes how she camouflages so people won't notice how bad she truly is because they might not want to be with her she says it does not scare her it is just part of getting older she recognizes it in her friends Mom says she very much wants to remain independent she knows her house how to maneuver in it she feels angry she didn't sell the apartment when the market was better though she loves her home does not want to ever wind up in residence for the aged does not want anyone living with her she is used to living alone doesn't like idea of a caregiver in the house this passage is difficult for her in a new way somehow i think the difficult challenge for us all now is how to help Mom manage on her own and continue to empower her with dignity she is a brave woman turning 90 in late October woman descending a staircase

doctor doctor give me the news

mom is sick her 90th birthday is in several weeks she says she has lived a long full life and is ready to die the doctors are trained to keep her alive i remember when the doctors kept dad alive while waiting for the cancer to attack a vital organ i wonder if this practice of keeping people alive is humane mom forgets events 2 hours earlier walks into mirrors falls down wakes up with black eyes i’m having trouble sleeping thinking morbid thoughts maybe lots of people all around the world are waiting to die people raped mutilated robbed cheated bankrupt homeless war victims old people with chronic diseases dependent on caretakers maybe millions of people are thinking about death waiting hoping praying for death faced with the growing problem of overpopulation why can’t we mitigate the suffering of those waiting to die i don’t understand



in early morning i drift out of sleep toss right turn left look out window glance Mount Lemmon stretch out on back planter flex dorsal flex toes extend arms out to sides over head look up at exposed redwood beams ceiling try to remember interpret understand what i was dreaming rise from bed brush teeth walk around make bed pull brush sheets try to take dump because i don’t want to embarrass myself in pilates class drink water slip on gym shorts head down stairs grab keys lock door scan garden always feel lucky if Saab starts drive to Tucson racquet fitness club pilates class



i am ready to move away from Tucson nobody here wants needs me no one reads my writings or is interested in showing buying my paintings sun scorches bakes intrudes invades rudely glaring mercilessly my skin suffers i am thinking about heading back east North Hampton Massachusetts or Hudson Valley area or Chicago where i have many friends or rainy Apeldoorn Netherlands where Pavanne and Shannon live or Eureka California where Shannon also resides i’ve paid my dues a thousand times hoping to achieve success i live in fantasy imagining outcomes that never come



younger attractive female doctor wearing white coat low heel black pumps enters room of 60 year old patient suffering from depression loneliness despair

DOCTOR please sit up and open your gown (she plugs stethoscope into her ears)

PATIENT you want to hear my heart

DOCTOR breathe deep breaths (she examines glands around throat under arms shines light into ears eyes nose mouth) hmmm what symptoms caused you to admit yourself

PATIENT i’ve been feeling frustrated defeated isolated anxious for a while

DOCTOR you look strong healthy weight proportionate i think your problems are psychological you may want to find a good therapist

PATIENT i’ve seen many as a kid none helped

DOCTOR well if you think you’re ready to be euphonized i can schedule you for next week of course the hospital will need to make arrangements for disposing your body

PATIENT does it hurt

DOCTOR the drug industry has made huge advances in the last few years i’ve been informed the procedure is actually quite euphoric

PATIENT next week huh like Friday or Saturday next week

DOCTOR the hospital will contact you

PATIENT do i need to bring anything or what do i wear

DOCTOR the hospital will contact you with a list of details including an e-will if you have family or relations

PATIENT thank you for your kindness you’re really sweet and pretty i don’t see a wedding ring are you married or single my mom would love to hear i’m dating a doctor

dick-wad in background hollers name-dropper name-dropper

if i was a pearl i’d feel itchy scratchy stuck inside an oyster shell if i was a tree i’d be a big fat redwood fantasizing about Julia Butterfly Hill living and peeing around me if i was a dog i’d be a Catahoula hound if i was Italian i’d be Sicilian if i was pasta i’d be spaghetti if i was Icelandic i’d be Bjork if i was a rock star i’d be Elvis Presley Bob Dylan Jimi Hendrix Jim Morrison John Lennon Bruce Spingsteen Maynard James Keenan if i was i writer i’d be Herman Melville Mark Twain James Joyce William Faulkner Thomas Bernhard Yukio Mishima Naguib Mahfouz Phillip K. Dick Gabriel Garcia Marquez Annie Proulx Lydia Davis if i was a poet i’d be Walt Whitman Sylvia Plath Ted Hughes Gwendolyn Brooks Pablo Neruda Heather McHugh Carl Sandburg Robert Frost Arthur Rimbaud Dante Alighieri Homer if i was a painter i’d be Leonardo Da Vinci Michelangelo da Caravaggio Johan Vermeer Rembrandt van Rijn Paul Cezanne Marcel Duchamp Jackson Pollock Mark Rothko Ad Reinhardt Anselm Kiefer Susan Rothenberg if i was a photographer i’d be Man Ray Ansel Adams Edward Weston Diane Arbus Robert Mapplethorpe Sally Mann Helmut Newton Richard Avedon Annie Leibovitz if i was a philosopher i’d be Socrates Plato Aristotle Jean Jacques Rousseau Sören Kierkegaard Immanuel Kant Karl Marx Georg Hegel Friedrich Nietzsche Henry David Thoreau Ralph Waldo Emerson Jean-Paul Sartre Jean Baudrillard Michel Foucault if i was a singer i’d be Woody Guthrie Otis Redding Grace Slick Bob Marley Joni Mitchell Marvin Gaye Johnny Cash Patsy Cline June Carter Patti Smith Chrissie Hinde Nick Cave P J Harvey Beyonce if i wa a band i’d be Velvet Underground Ramones Sex Pistols Clash Cure Smiths Joy Division Uncle Tupelo Pixies Nirvana Nine Inch Nails Madrugada Sigur Ros White Stripes Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra Justice of the Unicorns if i was a boot i’d be Chippewa Frye Ariat Red Wing Tony Lama Wellington if i was a shoe i’d be Christian Louboutin Jimmy Choo Kedds Chaco Chuck Taylor p f flyer if i was a dress i’d be Channel Dolce & Gabbanna Giorgio Armani Marc Jacobs Comme des Garçons if i was a cowboy shirt i’d be H bar C Rockmount Temp Tex Karman Wrangler Levis Strauss Lee if i was a hat i’d be a Stetson Borsalino Stephen Jones if i was a fruit i’d be a mango apple banana blackberry if i was an scent i’d smell like fresh perspiration jasmine sandalwood ylang ylang the ocean if i was a doctor i’d be a gynecologist neurosurgeon if i was a flower i’d be a hibiscus rose orchard if i was a stone i’d be a sparkling ruby diamond opal if i was a knife i’d be a k-bar switch-blade machete if i was a gun i’d be a Remington Winchester Beretta Glock AK-47 if i was a car i’d be a Lamborghini Ferrari BMW Saab Volkswagen GTO Ford Mustang Dodge Challenger if i was a TV show i’d be Law and Order if i was actor i’d be Charlie Chaplin Humphrey Bogart Steve McQueen Robert De Niro Ed Norton Shawn Penn if i was an actress i’d be Marlene Dietrich Ingrid Bergman Natalie Wood Audrey Hepburn Marilyn Monroe Helen Mirren Meryil Streep Brigette Fonda Robin Wright Julianne Moore Angie Harmon if i was a female comedian i’d be Gilda Radner Lily Tomlin Nora Dunn Joan Cusack Sarah Silverman Tina Fey if i was a football player i’d be Sid Luckman George Blanda Walter Payton Dick Butkus Mike Singletary Joe Montana Jerry Rice Payton Manning LaDanian Tomlinson Drew Breeze if i was a celebrity i’d be Charlotte Gainsbourg if i was a rapper i’d be Tupac Shakur if i was a movie director i’d be Sam Peckinpah Robert Altman Stanley Kubrick Roman Polanski Werner Herzog Rainer Fassbinder Louis Bunuel Alfred Hitchcock Jean-Luc Godard François Truffaut if i was a bird i’d be a eagle hawk sparrow bluebird if i was a fish i’d be a dolphin shark narwhal Charlie the tuna if i was breakfast i’d be a French toast pancake folded in half with 2 strips of bacon in between if i was a cold cereal i’d be snap crackle popping rice crispies shredded wheat cheerios oatmeal if i was tea i’d be Japanese green matcha Irish breakfast Tulsi Thai holy basil Lapsang souchong Luzianne Lipton if i was a soap i’d be French hand milled ayurvedic Avon Ivory Dove Pears Aveda if i was a man i’d be a football basketball baseball tennis swimmer athlete if i was a woman i’d be a track star runner writer painter gardener doctor nurse yoga mom i'm just scratching the surface and the beat goes on lahdy dah dah

the road not taken and sorry i could not travel both

in my dreams there always is a woman beside me talking touching flirting with me looking out for me making love with me standing up lying down for me loving playing dancing accompanying me but in real life there is no one i wake from sleep and there is nobody a bed empty of amity why do my dreams feel more real fulfilled with love companionship intimacy than my real life which is void of a partner i scratch my hand it starts to bleed is that real yes i am old my skin tears easily yet it feels like a dream why is my skin so thin when did i get so old why is it 4 AM and there is no one but me i want to believe linger live in my dreams laugh play make love with her forget my real life where is my partner but there were other times in my awake life when my dreams were all nightmares what am i supposed to believe this existence is a long disturbing journey with magnificent swirling colors faces bodies sounds echoing ticklish laughter chomping on carrots celery what is real what is time who are my parents who am i have i totally lost it what was it that i once had what did i lose i’m confused where is she the woman in my dreams who accompanies me lives works sleeps showers makes love with me my companion lover where is she where have i strayed